Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
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One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
This is me
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob