ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
that’s really how it is
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
U talkin 2 me?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.