me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.