me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.