Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me too 😆