me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
You Might Also Like
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Sunday
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Now, where’s the sport in that?