Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
You Might Also Like
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?