Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
first you must answer his riddles
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.