me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
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Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
That’s easy for you to say
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.