Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

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My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.


[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*



Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*


Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs


me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh


My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs


[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?


Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.


somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.


Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.