Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.