My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.