Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get