me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit