me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me My dog
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!