Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.