Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.