Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side