ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone