Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
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[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Left at a local drug store…
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Clients after you give them your rates
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: