me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
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i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Any refunds available?…
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Tastes like chicken.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.