Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You Might Also Like
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox