Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.