ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.