Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
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I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
A ghost story
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.