me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
getting groceries
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
our love story in four pictures
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.