Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Happy thanksgiving!
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”