Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
You Might Also Like
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
what’s the point then??
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?