Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
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Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
congratulations to them
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*