me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
good morning
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people