me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
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it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.