Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
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Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
True?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Huge, if true.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”