Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
True
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.