me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years