Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first