Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
And now we wait
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else