Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ