Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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Shark week, but for squirrels.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“what that mouth do?” complain
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?