Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
He-man has a Masters degree
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
are they though??
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit