me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
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1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Reporter: *ports again*
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.