Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
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I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
i think we should see other cousins
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.