me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
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If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I like long walks away from everyone
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.