Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
That 👊
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.