me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
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Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
very niche meme I made
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.