@capnwatsisname

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

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@Love_bug1016

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

@zebrasyndicate

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@jenlaw_11

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

@defunkttt

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

@timdonakowski

GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.

@jinglebayls

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

@BacklineNurse

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

@_Enanem_

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.