Me: “ I brought you a raspberry danish”
Dentist: * tightening his bathrobe * “ this isn’t what I meant when I said that you need to visit me more often”
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a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Most fashion shows these days…
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
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“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
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