Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”