Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
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Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.