Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
We’ve all been there
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Who chose this font
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
the last thing a carrot sees
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.