Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.