ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.