Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Self-cleaning conscience
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[eulogy]
line?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
We have a winner.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
January has been Januweary
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out