Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
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*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk