Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Krampus.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.